The New Single Woman
by E. Kay Trimberger
Summary
Drawing on stories from diverse women who have been single for many years, Trimberger explodes the idea that fulfillment comes only through coupling with a soulmate. Instead she presents an exciting new identity for women in the twenty-first century: the new single woman--a woman who is content with her single life.
These gripping personal accounts of how single women’s lives evolve over time, combined with Trimberger’s incisive analysis, blend to provide a much-needed cultural roadmap for every single woman who is striving to create a satisfying and meaningful life. Trimberger’s all-inclusive, paradigm-shifting notion is one that ultimately strengthens and enriches both single women and couples.
Excerpt
On a chilly February day in 2003, I’m sitting in a California college classroom with twenty[-eight women students, most of whom are in their early twenties. We begin a discussion of single women’s lives today. I ask the students if they agree with an author’s contention that hardly any women choose to be single. They do. Then Michelle blurts out: “But we do choose not to settle.” Lisa adds that she chose to leave a bad relationship. Both of the--like many of their contemporaries—are looking for a soul mate.
The ideal of a soul mate, someone with whom one can combine love, fidelity, emotional intimacy, and togetherness, is a contemporary reinterpretation of romantic love. At least at the level of ideology, finding a soul mate has replaced other reasons for long-oterm partnerships and marriage. To support my point, I present an expanded version of the statistics I provided in the introduction.
A 2001 national Gallup Poll of unmarried women and men between the ages of twenty and twenty-nine found that 94 percent were seeking a soul mate to marry and 87 percent were confident they would find one. Young people do not see marriage as a source of economic security or as important for having children. In the Gallup Poll only 16 percent of young adults agreed that the main purpose of marriage is to have children. More than two-thirds of young women (equal to the number of young men) believe it is important for them to be economically secure before marriage.
Although sexual attraction is part of being soul mates, sexual pleasure is not central to the ideal. Black feminist writer bell hooks emphasizes that love that consists of a “mysterious connection between our soul and that of another person” does not necessarily involve a shared sexual passion. “Ultimately, most of us would choose great love over sustained sexual passion if we had to,” hooks concludes. Sexologist Pepper Schwartz concurs that soul-mate relationships are often lacking in sexual passion. Such closeness, she concludes, obliterates one of the key ingredients of passionate sex. “The desire to bridge the gap of intimacy between partners, the desire to reduce or extinguish distance and hierarchy.”
The women students in my class agreed that love is more important than sex. All of them disagreed with the statement “I would marry a man I did not love if he met my criteria in every other way.” However, more than half said that they “would form a permanent partnership with a soul mate even if the sex wasn’t very good.” Because casual and consensual sex is so readily available to young people and the divorce rate is so high, the search for a soul mate implies the need for a deeper and presumably more permanent bond. One of my students noted: “The ideal of a soul mate is finding emotional stability, support, and comfort.”
Reviews
"The Good News from Planet Singleton is that… it’s possible for women to live happily ever after alone"—Publishers Weekly
“Must reading for the single, the coupled, and everyone in between"—Katha Pollitt
"This is an invaluable study . . . I applaud the entire project"—Vivian Gornick
Author's Biography
Sociologist E. Kay Trimberger is professor emerita of women’s and gender studies at Sonoma State University and is on the advisory board of the American Association for Single People. The author of Intimate Warriors, she lives in California.