They’re Your Parents Too!
by Francine Russo
Summary
Filled with expert guidance from gerontologists, family therapists, elder-care attorneys, financial planners, and health workers; resonant real-life stories; and helpful family negotiation techniques, this is an indispensable book for anyone whose parents are aging.
Excerpt
Chapter One
Dottie, fifty-seven, a librarian and local historian, and Arlene, fifty-five, a financial planner, brought their cars around to the rutted front drive of the old Kansas farmhouse to move their mother to the assisted living home. Mrs. Keller, an impressively tall ninety- one-year-old woman, hobbled out on her cane, her face stony. Her daughters each took a deep breath. This moment was the climax of a year of contentious family meetings and a decade of seismic shifts in their family since their father’s death.
Once their mother was widowed, their brother Donny, fifty-two, had taken the lead because he was there; he’d continued their dad’s pet- supply business and helped out their mom with chores. The four sisters, at various distances and busy with families and careers, saw their mother more regularly than before. At first these were the only differences, but then the pace of change accelerated: Mom’s fender bender in the grocery parking lot, several falls she took in the decrepit house, an oven mitt on fire in the oven. The five siblings gathered for a series of family meetings in Donny’s living room to figure out what to do. Usually having all five together was a cause for joy, but not this time. Several thought Mom should move out for her own safety. Opinions differed. Tears were shed. Yet through it all they worked hard to reach a consensus. Dottie was the last to agree to the move, three months after her siblings. “I got sucked into it,” she admitted, “taking Mom’s side, that she should die in that house. I couldn’t see how she’d changed. She was the mother of my past, my comfort. I couldn’t let that go.”
Once the decision was made, the siblings worked together: finding the right place and then persuading Mom, applying firmness and the gentle persuasion of a family prayer meeting. On their own schedules, each spent hours packing up. During that time the siblings felt close, as they would again in the future. But when the critical moment arrived, each was swept up in tumultuous feelings.
Dottie, a sweet-tempered woman with unruly curls, was chafing because her younger sister, was taking charge. She was floored when Arlene, crisp and efficient, declared, “Mom will go in the car with me. You follow.”
“I just shut down,” Dottie said, “and my sister rolled over me and my feelings by sheer force of personality.”
For Dottie, it was hard not being with her mother for this momentous ride. For Arlene, sitting at the wheel and seeing her mother’s stricken expression was awful. “Mom,” she asked before she pulled out, “would you like to say a prayer?” Her mother nodded.
“Lord,” the older woman prayed, “please give me the courage to accept where I am going to live.”
Reviews
“More than a how-to book, this groundbreaking work illuminates a difficult stage of life."–Library Journal
Author's Biography
Francine Russo is a widely recognized journalist known for being among the first to spot developing trends, particularly in her own boomer generation.
She has developed an enthusiastic following with her frequent articles in media like Redbook, Family Circle, Ladies Home Journal, and The Village Voice, where she also was a theater critic for over a decade. Her 2005 Time article, “Who Cares More for Mom” attracted wide attention and was the genesis for her book. In 2009 she became a New York Times Fellow at the International Longevity Center.